Quote Of The Week

Hands down it will be House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) on the news program "this Week" when he described the House members as:

" ... 218 frogs in a wheelbarrow"

LOL - how perfect is that??

Court is in Session

I was made aware of this through Facebook so I don't have a link ...

But yahoo released a list of the top STUPIDIST lawsuits of 2011

In no particular order:
• a convict is during the people he kidnapped because they didn't help him elude the police

• a guy sued a bar because they didn't check him for illegal weapons before he entered and he got hurt in a fight, presumably by his own weapon

• some kids sued their mother because she sent them cards without any gifts (I assume they wanted $$$)

• woman during a store for $5 million because she got an 80¢ refund for something ... She must have wanted more

• a woman sued her child's daycare because when he child grew up it didn't get into an Ivy-league school ... I remember this one!

• a man sued for "Age Discrimination" ... Says the judge in his original case was too old and didn't side with him

• a man sued a fast-food establishment because the man was to FAT to get into their booths (might I suggest you STOP EATING THERE?)

• a woman sued a movie theater - you'll love this - because she felt the trailer for the movie "Drive" didn't have enough DRIVING in it (now how he heck did this harm her?)

• a passenger took a cruise and the ship swayed from side-to-side and went quickly ... That has got to be one of those DUH moments in life

• Chuck E Cheese got sued because some mom let her kids go there and then said the games encourage gambling
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Ok - you kidnap someone they aren't SUPPOSED to help you in any way or form ... What an idiot

If you're too fat to get in the booth - while the food maybe cheap, it might be a really good indication that you need to LAY OFF IT for a while

Think the games are bad for your kids - DON'T TAKE THEM THERE ... I could see a suit over their pizza though - it's awful for the price, but then you don't go there for pizza

now I would love to know the judges reaction to the Cruise Ship story -- had it been me I would have given the passenger the full Judge Judy/Dr Phil/ slap to the head treatment ... YOU'RE ON A SHIP, IN THE OCEAN, gee I wonder why it's rocking?!?!?!?! And maybe it was going so fast so the captain could GET YOU OFF HIS DAMN SHIP ...

I swear now-a-days they sue for everything ... I wonder if I can sue for cutting my finger on new years Eve because the summer sausage rolled as I was trying to slice it ...

Would I sue the maker of the knife, the knife sharpener, the cutting board manufacturer, the store where I got the summer sausage, or the meat company?

Maybe the adhesive bandage company because the band-aid keeps coming off when it gets wet so I can't wash my hands properly?

Hmmmm

I'm So Glad This Wasn't Me ...

Ok - let me start by saying this is NOT my story .... I found it on the Ravelry crafting community boards ... it did not appear to belong to the poster ... if the person who's story this is would like me to pull it/delete it from my blog I will do so without issue --

But it is so damned funny --- I had to post it for the world to know .... its a tad long, but really read it all and make sure your toilet lid is down ....

Yes, Virginia, There Is a Squirrel in My Toilet. You May Not Believe How It Got in There, but Here’s One Way to Get It Out
By Beth Nabi

It wasn’t December. It wasn’t my chimney. And it sure as snowballs wasn’t Santa.

It was a steamy July day, and it was a squirrel. In my toilet. I’ve told this story as many times as you’ll hear “Feliz Navidad” on the radio this winter, and I think people would be less incredulous if I were to claim I actually had seen St. Nick sneaking down my smokestack.

I have two cats that are good for exactly two things: un-decorating my Christmas tree and, apparently, alerting me to when there’s a rodent using my restroom. No-No and Get Down, kitty had been acting a little – er, squirrely, all morning. I found the pair in Sphinx-like poses on the bathmat, staring intently at the toilet and not about to miss the show getting ready to go down. Tiptoeing somewhere between curiosity and dread, I explored the tiny room – looking under the cabinet, checking behind the toilet, peeking around the shower curtain … unsure what I was looking for, and very afraid I was going to find it. There was just one place left to look. And I didn’t wanna.

I lifted the toilet lid and, in the same heartbeat, slammed it down. What the – ?! Is that a – ?! Did somebody eat a – ?! Wait, is that alive? Did I just see that? Did it see me? What does it want? And then, the question everyone wants answered: How did a squirrel get in my toilet?

My mind and my heart racing one another, I shooed the cats out of the bathroom and shut the door. After a five-minute pep talk with myself, I got on my sweaty hands and shaking knees, eye-level with the toilet rim, and slowly cracked open the lid. There, just inches away on the other side of the cold white porcelain, beyond thick bristly whiskers and a mess of wet gray-brown fur, was a big, black, wide eye staring back at me. I slammed the lid down again.

There are certain bathroom situations I can deal with. I can jiggle the handle to stop a running toilet, I can plunge a clog, I can say “ballcock” at The Home Depot with minimal giggling. I’ve even been known to move the roll from the top of the tank and onto the holder when company’s coming (loose end hanging over, of course). A squirrel in the toilet left me bewildered and blank.

I called a friend who was my rescuer in a previous pest-related incident involving a Rodent of Unusual Size. Mike had fashioned a makeshift shovel out of a dustpan duct-taped to a broomstick to help me evict an 18-inch rat that had keeled over in my water heater closet. I’m pretty sure the behemoth choked when he was popping d-CON bon-bons and swallowed one the wrong way. Mike lived 600 miles away, but I thought he might have some advice. It was his birthday, and while I’m sure he was expecting an excited “Happy Birthday!,” all that came out when he answered was, “THERE’S A SQUIRREL IN MY TOILET!”

“There’s a what? In your what?”

“A squirrel! In my toilet!”

“How’d a squirrel get in your toilet?”

“I don’t know! How do I get a squirrel out of my toilet?”

He stopped laughing long enough to suggest I call Animal Control, but I wasn’t ready to make Toilet Squirrel a taxpayer concern just yet. We hung up and I decided to take my problem next door – to Evan, the World’s Greatest Neighbor. He has fixed everything in my house, including the kitchen sink. He keeps his garage stocked with thingamathings and whatchamajobs to solve any problem. Surely, he would know how to handle this.

I knocked. He answered, “Hiya, Beth!”

“Hi, Evan. Um, there’s a squirrel in my toilet.”

Unfazed by my absurd string of words, and without so much as a “How’d a squirrel get in your toilet?,” he immediately grabbed the most logical toilet-squirrel-getter-outter tool – the Nifty Nabber Reach Extender – and said, “Let’s go.”

We marched back into my house, up the stairs and into the bathroom. Evan lifted the toilet lid as readily as if he were going to use the john, and slammed it right back down.

“There really is a squirrel in your toilet!”

I don’t know if he thought I’d been lying or was just crazy, but I was happy to now be sharing this preposterous predicament with someone else. I may have had a squirrel in my toilet, but there were no bats in my belfry.

“Do you think we could just flush it?” he asked.

I suggested that, to keep both the squirrel and my plumbing intact, maybe flushing should be a last resort.

From a safe perch on the bathtub ledge, I watched Evan take a single swipe with the metal pincher, which sent Toilet Squirrel into a frenzy of sloshing and squealing as he whirled into Phelps-esque laps around the bowl. While the Nifty Nabber Web site guarantees that its wide, rubber-coated, grooved jaws “easily grab and securely hold out-of-reach objects,” the product had obviously not been tested on animals.

Evan headed back to his house to re-strategize, while I followed Mike’s original counsel and called the Leon County Animal Control Division. I missed their office hours by about one minute, and got a recording that said if I had an animal-related emergency, call the Sheriff’s Department.

Convinced this qualified, I dialed the number.

“Hello. What’s your emergency?”

“It’s an animal-related emergency.”

“Go ahead.”

Pause.

“There’s a squirrel in my toilet.”

In the silence that followed, I wasn’t sure if a patrol car was being sent to haul me away for prank-calling an emergency number, or if the officer had dropped the phone in a fit of laughter, or if maybe, just maybe, she was checking the handbook for squirrel-in-the-toilet protocol.

She said there wasn’t much she could do, but wished me luck. Sounding more eager than precautionary, she told me to call back if anyone got bitten, because if rabies were involved it would fall under the Sheriff’s Department’s jurisdiction. I thanked her for not arresting me, and was headed back over to Evan’s to find out what Plan No. 2 was when I saw Alan, another neighbor, roll up on his bicycle. Evan had called for back-up.

I stood in my garage and watched these two Social Security-aged citizens stride across the driveway fully equipped and ready for combat. In my head, they were marching through a slow-motion Armageddon-Independence Day-Top Gun hero shot, with an epic action-adventure score playing. Alan wore three pairs of heavy-duty rubber gloves and had a rubber mallet slung over his shoulder. Sunlight glinted off the tin garbage can Evan carried, and an old, vinyl, flower-patterned shower curtain was tucked under his arm.

As our bizarre but intrepid trio climbed the stairs, the rescue squad briefed me on the plan: slide the shower curtain through the gap between the lid and the bowl, creating an impenetrable squirrel-human barrier; lift the lid, reach in and grab Toilet Squirrel; transfer him to the tin can; secure the garbage lid with the mallet. I was relieved to hear that’s how the mallet would be used.

The two entered the bathroom and closed the door. I would give up all the presents on this year’s wish list – including the concert tickets I’m hoping to get to the New Kids on the Block reunion tour – to have visual documentation of the mêlée that occurred on the other side, but was instead left standing there listening to the shrieking, clawing, splashing, thrashing, knocking, banging and clanging, and finally, the victorious shouts of two grown men who had just fished a 1-pound vermin out of a commode and relocated him two feet to a garbage can: “We got ’im!”

They emerged from my water closet, each holding a handle of the tin can, looking very much like the Ghostbusters carrying out Slimer in a ghost trap. In the backyard, we removed the lid and all peered down at the poor, drowned-rat-looking thing. I tipped the can over and watched Toilet Squirrel go bounding out and scramble up the nearest tree. I wasn’t sure who’d been more scared: him or me. I wonder if he’s told the story as many times as I have.

The Squirrelbusters then started to theorize: How did the squirrel get in the toilet? Most people, affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age, want only to believe it came in through the front door – as if he rang the doorbell while standing on the step, legs crossed and doing the pee-pee dance, begging to use my bathroom.

I assured Evan and Alan that the toilet lids stay vigilantly closed, to divert the cats to the one legitimate water bowl in the house. I have no doubt the aforementioned R.O.U.S could have lifted the lid himself and hopped in, but Toilet Squirrel had to have used the back entrance.

Evan pored over the diagrams in his home-repair book while I feverishly Googled “How’d a squirrel get in my toilet?” (and found a surprisingly large Web community of toilet-squirrel veterans). We finally concurred that Toilet Squirrel had entered through an uncovered plumbing vent on the roof, found his way into a pipe, suited up in his little squirrel scuba gear and somehow made it through the closet bend and the S-trap. We think. Kind of like Santa Claus – no one actually saw it.

But I believe.

Re: Election 2008: An Alternative

I'm not sure how legit this is but thought I'd share .... you should see a photo of Bill Cosby below. My MIL sent this to me, and someone else sent it to her ... etc. I don't even know if these are really his statements - I agree with some, cringe at others.

Subject: Write-In Candidate for President - couldn't help but forward this note

Bill may make things go thru the broken ceiling!!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire onSOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!

Please Forward This to Everyone you know now matter which side of the fence they're on.

just a bit of levrity

Thought maybe we could use a break from all the bad national/international news for a bit of a chuckle.

Yes, in London designers thought people would actually want to wear this stuff - next year - they are 2009 collections from various designers.

Now I don't mean to hurt anyones feelings here -- but -- who would really wear this stuff?






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**I guess this means hats will be back in fashion - at least in some form or another.

Which Harry Potter Character would YOU marry??

Your result for The Harry Potter Husband Test...
Mrs. Snape
Your perfect HP man is Severus Snape.

You like a guy of loyalty and intelligence and don't really mind if he comes across as a bit harsh. Or a bit bastardy. Or if he happens to terrify every child who crosses his path. The point is that under that rough exterior lies...well, a rough interior. But under that is a soft, squishy center and you don't mind at all that you're the only person in the world who gets to see it.

(Fanart by Grant Gould GrantGould.com Used with permission.)
Take The Harry Potter Husband Test at HelloQuizzy

Was there any doubt???

I had to share this....

My mother in law, bless her soul, sent this to me and it was so funny {because we all know its true}. I don't know who the original author was so hopefully I will not get in trouble for c/w infringement.

9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay : This is one of the most
dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8 . Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F@(K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another
dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

Product Review-Nonni's Gingerbread Biscotti

My kids and I absolutely love biscotti....be it with coffee, cocoa or tea...we love having a cookie that is made specifically dipping. We are however fussy...we want a cookie that can be dipped for a 1second count and come up nice and soft.

We have found some that need to be dipped as long as 5 seconds-that's an eternity in the cookie world-and we've even found some that in less than a second it is falling apart in your cup and leaving sludge in the bottom...yuk!

Now you have to understand that any cookie you dip into a liquid will leave some sort of residue, its just the nature of the beast...what I'm talking about here is having a glop of it fall off the cookie...or even worse, have the cookie break in half and you pull up the stub of the cookie...that is just sad.

If you don't know about biscotti now is a great time to go over a primer....just a quick over-view. First the cookie is made into a large loaf and cooked just long enough to firm it up; the loaf is then removed from the heat, allowed to cool slightly then cut again (generally at an angle) in slices like a loaf of bread; these slices are then place upon a cookie sheet and the cookies are cooked again at a low enough heat not so much to cook them as to dry them out. Once cooled the cookies should be firm but dry...nothing you would eat on its own...the cookies are made for dipping...literally.

Okay that said....

Nonni's Biscotti, Gingerbread Macadamia flavored cookies.
Found them at Sam's Club, $9.95/26 cookies (not cheap, but they are only out for a limited time), they come in a plastic container with a screw top lid.

Nutritional Info:
Serving Size: 1 cookie
Calories: 170//40 calories from Fat
total fat 4.5 gr....0 trans fat, 2.5gr saturated fat
14g of sugar
Protien 2gr
Calcium 2%
Iron 4%
(see its healthy!)

Okay single word: YUM

These are delicious! They are a light orangy tan color and look like they would taste more like pumpkin bread than gingerbread (which I always associate with a deep brown color); they have a fair amount of macadamia mixed within the cookie, though none on top; the bottom edge of the cookie is graced with a nice coating of white ganache-type frosting...its not gooey like regular frosting but not too firm like chocolate...although I wish it had been a little thicker, you can see the bottom of the cookie peeking thru but that's getting a tad too knit-picky.

Each cookie comes individually wrapped...very nice for putting into a lunch or keep the frosting from gooping up the others if they get warm in the summer...I find having them wrapped is really helpful with kids--they always have to look at each one to find the one that looks the most delicious to them. Also, being wrapped you don't have to worry about that stray cough or sneeze contaminating them all.

Each cookie is very uniform in size, as one would expect from mass produced items, each measuring 7" long and about 1" high and about 3/4" thick.

I would have enjoyed a bit more snap to the gingerbread, perhaps the addition of a bit of white pepper would have helped or maybe a tad more clove. The frosting was almost too sweet for the cookie itself and tended to over power and hide the taste at the ends where the cookies isn't quite as thick. Towards the center of the cookie once it reaches the uniformed thickness the frosting isn't quite so overpowering and the cookie taste starts to shine.

I did the one second dip test: dip the cookie in the warm liquid, count (one thousand-one) and take out the cookie, hold the cookie point side down over the cup to allow extra drippings to leave on their own for five seconds (no shaking or tapping allowed), then move the cookie into a horizontal position for 2 seconds before consuming.

This cookie did very well, although it dripped a little more liquid than I would have hoped. It soaked in just enough liquid to soften the cookie without becoming too mushy...in fact it was easy to find the drink-line on the cookie (biscotti are made for double dipping, triple and quad dipping even!). The cookie still has that cookie feel in the mouth without getting doughy or bready from the liquid...also as you hold it there is actually very little absborbage within the cookie above the dipline. If you have ever dipped a cookie and had the inside get soggy outside of the dipline you will know what I mean-its kind of like biting into a bruised orange-but that is not an issue here.

Overall taste: 8 out of 10
dipping ability: 9 out of 10
value: 4 out of 10 (if it hadn't been for the holiday season I would never have paid so much)
chances I will buy again: 6 out of 10...mostly due to price and seasonality of the product.

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Biscotti Etiquette

Okay I should say that I have seen several faux pas when people eat biscotti. So here is a little etiquette lesson.

It is okay to re-dip a biscotti after you take a bite...however if you are at a formal occasion, or one where you are in public you may wish to avoid this by breaking your biscotti into more managable bite sized pieces before you begin to dip.

Do not dip your fingers in your drink while dipping your cookie....and for goodness sake, if your liquid is low in your cup and you can't easily get to it with your cookie do not, repeat do NOT put your fist in your cup trying to get that last little bit. Don't tip your cup to reach the liquid either, that is just as bad. Small cookie or cookie piece, small cup....don't try to dip a small cookie in a large travel sized mug....that's too much like a Chihuahua going after a German Shephard...it just doesn't fit. And it isn't pretty!

Do not hold a cookie in one hand and drink out of your cup with the other....put the damn cookie down...if you are on the road and don't have a plate to put your cookie on---what the hell are you doing dipping a cookie while driving? WATCH THE ROAD!!!!

One dunk per cookie or cookie part at a time; don't plunge your cookie. I can not tell you how many times I have seen people pop their cookie up & down in their cup like it was a fishing bobber. Once...no reason to make waves and it will not make the liquid soak in faster.

Let the cookie drain. Don't shake your cookie, you will get a plop; don't try to hurry the cookie up to your mouth before the liquid drips off--you won't make it. It is best just to let the cookie hang over the top of the cup for a few seconds while you casually continue your conversation. Don't worry that the liquid will cool off...it is so concentrated in there - it would probably burn your mouth if you pop it in right away anyways.

Don't hold the cookie high above the cup. When holding the cookie to drain you should hold it just barely above the drink level yet high enough so that your fingers are above the lip of the cup. This way if the cookie does plop there isn't quite the mess to it; the more distance between the cookie and the liquid level the larger the splash area.

Always take a drink from your cup before you begin to dip. This will reduce the surface tension of the liquid and lower the level in the cup so that you are less likely to spill over the edge--unless you are a clutz.

Practice at home before you go into public. Watching a newbie try to eat an item is painful and eating etiquette just is not taught any more. Save yourself embarrassment--because, yes, someone is looking...and it might be ME!

I'm so evil. LOL.

My funny Wish List

WEIRD TOYS: Stupid.com

1. Avenging Unicorn set

2. Choke the Annoying Chicken {this is the best one on the whole page!!}

3. Racing Grannies

4. Quad Cam (no, really I've wanted this since the first time I saw it--it would be perfect for scrapbooking those action shots)

5. the Yodeling Pickle

6. the Nose Pencil Sharpener (well its for my 11yr son...its right up his alley)

7. the Baby Shower---you have to use your imagination for this one....its pretty funny.

Make sure you read the describtions of each toy {especially the potty training teddy bear...lol}

Product Detail - Large Talk-to-Me Paw-Activated Treat Ball

Product Detail - Large Talk-to-Me Paw-Activated Treat Ball: {wish I could incl. the photo but I hate to run into copyright issues with anyone on this}

"Does your dog miss you when you're not home? Keep your best friend company even
when you're out with the Talk-to-Me treat ball. This ingenious toy lets you
record a personalized message that is activated when your pet touches the ball.
It dispenses treats randomly as it rolls along--thanks to a patented inner
dispensing system. Fits most standard-sized treats. Recommended for pets over 30
lbs. This is not a chew toy. It is also recommended that your pet be supervised
the first couple of times they use the Treat Ball. Dishwasher safe."

Okay...have you spotted the irony yet? This is NOT a slam at the website--they write what they are told from the manufacturer, I'm sure. Irony?

It dispenses treats randomly as it rolls along--thanks to a patented inner
dispensing system. Fits most standard-sized treats. Recommended for pets over 30
lbs. This is not a chew toy. It is also recommended that your pet be supervised

Okay (1) the reason you buy the thing to begin with, assumably, is because--you won't be there (see the first line of the blip)

(2) what exactly is "standard sized" treats? Dog treats come in all sorts of shapes and sizes....and textures & moisture content...notice they didn't say anything about that? There are a lot of products that look like Milk-Bones, but they are way different--some are just slightly larger/smaller, some are thicker/thinner, some are more rounded/edgy....there is no "standard".

(3 & my favorite) It is meant to dispense treats--but its not a chew toy. I'm sorry I have a Newfoundland--a couch isn't supposed to be a chew toy either, but it can become one! You put treats in anything and I don't care what kind of dog you've got, unless it has a really tender mouth--its an instant chew-toy.

P.S. the ball is 5 1/2" diameter---Addy is over 30 lbs---but this thing is a choking hazard!